Well, the Union Cyclist International (UCI) recently convened in Stockholm to evaluate and assess the annual state of affairs in the sport. Yours truly, Euro Freddie, was in attendance, and I am here to report to you Eagle readers the big stories of the day.

First on this year’s agenda was the solemn examination of the persistent and highly unethical practice of blood doping. This dark specter has ravaged cycling almost from the sport’s inception. The UCI Board, in utter exasperation, decided that there remained only one solution left in leveling the playing field, once and for all, on this matter. After a closed door session (over expressos, cigars, and cognacs) the UCI President made the proclamation that, henceforth, any cyclist caught in possession of EPO, or similar contraband substances, will be absolutely required to share them with all the others.

Next on the agenda was a discussion on the use of bandanas in the peloton, and the street gang, “bad-boy image”, many pro cyclists are projecting. The President expressed a displeasure in the trend, stating that he has yet to see a doo-rag that has passed the ANSI or SNELL crash test standards. Then he queried as to whether baggy skinshorts, slung below the butt-crack were on the horizon? Left on that frightening thought, we were next treated to the half-time entertainment review by the Swedish Bikini Team.

And finally, the last issue of the day concerned the continued use of radio communication between riders and team cars. In its defense, many of the Romance-speaking nationalities (i.e. Italy, France, and Spain) spoke in favor of personal headset communications, passionately elaborating on the unfathomable inspiration they deeply experienced while their coaches whispered sweet nothings in their ears. In opposition, the Germanic-language countries (i.e. Germany, Belgium, and Holland) claimed that such mediterranean behavior made them nauseous. Jan Ullrich’s earpiece was said to have been piping in cross-talk, from an Italian team over each of the last three Tours, and this was ultimately responsible for Jan’s three lackluster, second place finishes, as well as ongoing therapy sessions to try and build back his Teutonic Ubermanliness, and attempt to stem his recent fondness for poetry, and all things Fabio!

So that pretty much wraps it up for me... “Just one large Swedish souvenir flag to go please” -Euro Freddie.

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Criterium Corner with Euro Freddie