“So here I am this month, traveling from Varanasi through Bangladesh, and my passenger seems to be a deaf/mute. Wow, that means my internal, 3-speed transmission can say anything, without disturbing this guy. Screeeeech-chung, chung, chung, screeeeech-chung, chung, chung-bam. Bam, bam, bam, bam, screeeeech-chung, chung, chung, screeeeech-chug, chung, chung-bam. Click, click, click-drrrrrping. Click, click, click-drrrrrping. Splangg! Clack, rrreeeeet, clack, rrreeeeet. Splangg! Screeeeech-chung, chung, chung, screeeeech-chung, chung, chung...”

“Boy, that felt good to get off my chainstays. I’ve been keeping that pent up inside me for the last 20,000kms! Oh, but excuse me... I should at least have introduce myself, before I vented all my internal rumblings. Cannonbarrel is the name, and carrying on is my game. Yes, I represent the new breed of third-world 3-speeds. What can I say? I’m a contemporary classic. Check out my fat and fashionable tubes. Yeah baby, that’s right, I am for real! No wimpy chromoly tubes here, no siree, as I am certified, 100% pig iron! Oh yeah, I’ve taken a few tumbles in my day, and I am here to tell you about it. I got into it, you know, once with a camel who thought he was pretty tough. He was swaggering all over the road, spitting and stuff, wouldn’t even let me pass. So I came up behind him, in between his legs, you know, and I locked-up the brakes and spun out. The camel’s knees buckled and he came down hard, landed right on his back. I still see him around every now and then, but oh boy, he doesn’t even want to get anywhere near me. I messed that guy up pretty good, in fact I have to admit, I even feel kinda sorry for the dude -now that he’s got two humps!”

“I’ve had my share of scrapes and bruises as well, mind you. See this gash in my head tube... That mark was left by a U-lock hussy - know what I mean? Oh yeah, she knew how to sweet-talk. I gave her a swig out of my Campy Biodynamica aero water bottle, and she had her arm encircled around me one night like she was never going to let me go... But in the morning I found out she was into the kinky stuff, had me hand-cuffed in a three-way relationship with one ugly looking lamp post. I just about had to gnaw off my own head to get out of that one...”

SHUT UP! Enough is ENOUGH! I don’t want to hear another SOUND out of you! You are living proof that bicycles sound HORRIBLE when not regularly serviced! Get some maintenance NOW!!  -Global Freddie.

<INDEX                                            NOVEMBER - 2000                                              NEXT>


Criterium Corner with Euro Freddie