Self-Portrait as the Mona Lisa


A sprightly after-hour diatribe, recently overheard at the Louvre, in the museum's Salle des États: 

“Say there, have any of you masterpieces heard this rubbish about how I’m supposed to actually be Leonardo da Vinci, painted in drag. Yeah, apparently, with the aid of her computer savvy, some ‘American Academic’ took the old master’s red chalk self-portrait, and superimposed it over moi, claiming that our facial features align perfectly. She then had the audacity to publicize this malarky, professing that our diverging genders were created from the same mug, and in the process, exposed herself as a shabby tabloid scholar. Ask any of our daily patrons with a passable knowledge of art, and they’ll tell you most artists work from a favorite pose. As you know, Leonardo’s favorite was the 3/4 view, as it afforded him the perspective techniques he so enjoyed utilizing. This yankee miscreant favors front and center. This viewpoint however, tends to render her in an embarrassingly flat light, showing a real lack of depth in her field. Oh that bitch sure does cramp my smile!”