Whoa- I’ve talked about disc brakes from the 1960s, and nude racing from the 1970s, but what about objet d’art funny bikes from the 1980s! Say, does anybody know what ever happened to Modolo’s Kronotech machines, of which supposedly 18 were fabricated by the Carnielli factory? I suspect, if they were produced at all, they are in the hands of elite private collectors, secreted away throughout Europe. (Note to self: I need to work on my hobnobbing and bubbly repartee.)

Scientists have recently begun asking, “What unique environmental factors could have brought about all those outrageous designs?” One prominent theorist points to the Sun’s unusually high corona discharge of gamma rays during the 1980s. Scientists have long known that these solar storms cause mutations on a micro-cellular level here on Earth, altering genetic material, and promoting variations within standardized DNA replication. However this phenomenon turns out to have manifested itself - in the case of professional cycling - by altering the rider’s behavior from simple amphetamine abuse, to omertà-style illicit EPO injection during this decade. Remember, this was a decade before the UCI mandated helmet use in the pro peloton, so gamma rays easily corrupted their unprotected ethical centers.  

Unfortunately, the UCI decided to cover up this disturbing condition, and used funny bikes as a policy scapegoat. Citing trumped up safety reports concerning the riders bent over overly small squirrelly front wheels, they banned these designs. It’s a claim I find totally egregious, for as anyone who lived through the 1980s knows, big hair was the real danger of the day, and the riders’ Glam Rock manes would dangle, spooling into their front hubs, thus creating horrible mullet fashion accidents.

Remember when operating HEAVY machinery to always tie your hair back!  -Euro Freddie.

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Criterium Corner with Euro Freddie