“Freddie san... Are you there? Come out, come out wherever you are. You almost said the ‘Sh(censored)o’ word last month, and we are all so proud of you, Freddie san. Even my brother, the Doctor, said enunciation is the first step to recovery. It must feel like a great burden has been lifted off your shoulders, now that you’ve finally come to your senses, and given in to The New Day. You know we are your international friends... We’ve always wanted to be your friend.”
(Don’t tell them I’m here. Tell them I’ve left town. No, tell them I’m not in this column this month.)
“You know, Freddie san, a less global monolith might misinterpret your provincial opinions as racist in nature. My other Brother is of the cloth, and he has made us aware that your Eurocentric attitudes, though misguided, stem from a true love of bicycles. Now come out and look at all the shiny new Dura-Ace parts we brought you.”
(...cassette freehubs were filched from augsburger index shifting was filched from suntour dyna drive pedals were filched from hi-e dual pivot brakes were filched from positech std levers were filched from joel evett...)
“Freddie san... We know you are in there. Let me introduce myself to you. I am the third of the three Sh(censored)o brothers. You might say I am the business mind behind the world’s largest, and most successful, privately owned company. Now, as a display of our friendship, I would personally like to provide you with our latest foot binding service. You see, Freddie san, Japan has borrowed much from Chinese culture, and within this Asian technology lies the secret to improved spinning through lighter feet. Let’s see, you usually wear a 42, right? When I get through with you, you’ll fit into these svelte 21’s.”
(I’ve got to make a break for it. I’m going to use the bottle of White-Out and make myself invisible an eak ou f ere